What (who) Should Pippa Do?

So, Jezebel, you know, the official source for all truth in the universe, just reported that our gal and her boyfriend have broken up. This MAY have been a result of her recent canoodles with her ex, George Percy, who, we think looks strikingly similar to another prospective suitor (at least in our imaginations), Prince Harry, but we doubt it.

Whatevs. He's cute and the boyish grin seems charming, but we have MUCH higher hopes for our little Phillipa. Here, we rank some of the men we think she should consider.

Ranking System - Objective Characteristics
1 point = Facebook Poke - Passive Aggressive, kind of creepy.... akin to a wink from an old man on the street
2 points = Unsolicited Late Night Sexting - Sort of creepy, sort of hot, but you know it's a bad idea and the sender of the sexts is bad news and just wants to get his rocks off
3 points = Doffs Hat - Ok, now we are getting into promising, chivalrous territory, but the hat doffer needs to grow some balls and introduce himself.. or at least write a missed connection
4 points = Throws 'kerchief over puddle - Okay, this is sweet, and bound to start a conversation.. plus it keeps our shoes clean.. this sounds like a keeper
5 points = Asks father for hand - Now, this may seem a jump, so this could mean hand in marriage or just a date... take your pick... but it's not only chivalrous, it's confident, which is sexy

Rating System - Subjective Characteristics
So, just like with the points from the judges on Dancing with the Stars, your (our imaginary readers) votes alone don't win. We get to vote too. Only, not only do we vote on the above characteristics, we get to take into consideration the following :
Aesthetic Match - Pippa's hot, athletic and preppy with an edge. She needs someone who is also hot who highlights either the preppy side, or the edgy side.
Star Power - Pippa has suddenly become a HUGE star in her own right. Unlike her sister, who was pulled from obscurity by Wills, it was Pippa's ass that put her in the spotlight. She needs someone with enough star power to outdo even her sister's royal wedding.
Tabloid Potential - British tabloids are the best. It's even better when the stories from those tabloids leak over here. It's gotta be good to leak... just sayin...

Our Men (Ranked In order of their scores)


Dev Patel - Slumdog Millionaire, Skins
Objective - 0 points - Blushes and looks down
Subjective - 1 (out of 5) - Star Power/Tabloid - People don't really know him, and he's never in the tabloids
4 - Aesthetics - Jamie loves him but didn't want me to include him. She said that normal people think it's creepy that she's obsessed with a 20 year old. I personally think he's adorbs and felt this would be the most quirkily cute couple ever. And look at that smile.. he would make her laugh.
Total Score - 6 points (adorable, but not probable)


Matt Grant - The Bachelor, London Calling
Objective - Sexting - 2 points - This guy's got balls, but he's always seemed a little creepy to me.
Subjective - Star Power - 1 - no one knows who he is except people who watch the lowest of low in reality tv; Tabloid Potential - 4 - She would chew him up and spit him out and make for great headlines about how he scorned 25 women, only to have it turned around on him. Aesthetics - He has a chubby face and is not aging well, but the preppiness thing works.. 2
Total - 9



Mark Ronson - Music Producer, Dude in Famous Family
Objective - Facebook Poke - 1 point
Subjective - Star Power - 1.5 points - his family is well known, but he's still not a household name; Tabloid Potential - 3 points - he's engaged. That facebook poke could make for some fun rumors. Aesthetic - 4 - He's hot. He's edgy. He's creative. I have a crush on him and am living vicarious through Pip.
Total = 9.5 points

Prince Harry - Prince of Wales
Okay, while I couldn't leave him off of this list, I didn't want him to be that close to the top because the main reason people speculate about them together is because of the novelty of him being her brother in law. Double Royal Wedding!!! I almost just made him honorary, but here are his scores.
Objective - Doffs Hat - Harry is confident, obviously, and, while he was engaged in the whole Nazi party scandal, he hasn't had a sex scandal, which suggests he at least gives the pretense of chivalry.
Subjective - Aesthetics - They're cute together - 2 points; Tabloids - 5 points - OMFG the stories; Star Power - 1 point - He's behind his brother for the throne, so Pippa could do better.
Total - 10 points

Jamie Dornan - Kiera Knightley's Ex.. errr.. a model
This one might throw some people - at least that I'm ranking him higher than Harry, but here's why..
Objective - Sexting AND Doff's Hat. 5 points. Technically, combining points is illegal in this game, but in the case of the ex Mr. Knightley, there's just something about him that makes me want to bend the rules. He's sexy (a model) and seems simultaneously kinky and sweet. I think he would balance Pippa's saltiness but give her much needed chivalry while he's at it.
Subjective - Star Power - 1 - people don't really know who he is, but avid Kiera Knightley fans would dig it; Aesthetics - 5. Maybe I'm ovulating, but man do I dig him. Tabloid Potential - 3 - I can just see the jealous Kiera headlines now..
Total = 14 points


Andrea Casiraghi - future Grimaldi, Grace Kelly's grandson
Objective - 'Kerchief Throwing - Okay, while I don't think that Andrea is really a gentleman, I think that he'd play one well while wooing England's most eligible bachelorette. This counts for something.. 4 points
Subjective - Tabloids - 4 points - Not that many people know who he is, BUT he is covered in British tabloids. With the insertion of Pippa, this pretty face would journalistically cross the Atlantic in no time. Aesthetics - 5 points. Just look at him; Star Power - he is Princess Grace's grandson, but he is a much lower grade royal than William
Total = 14 points


Okay, so that has Andrea and Jamie in the lead. I may just be going for pretty boys today, but I am pretty excited about this lineup so far... So, on that note, I am going to end this post and leave you waiting for the top three "contestants" for Pippa's love. My friend has invited me to brunch, and I must ask myself What Pippa Would Do in this situation... Bloody Mary's on a Beautiful Saturday afternoon or sitting at home on the internet listening to witch house..

Pippa, my inspiration

Recently, when obsessing over a completely unworthy guy, my friend Jamie asked me to step back and think about what Pippa Middleton would do. This question, spawned by the recent decision that we were both "Pippa's" rather than "Kate's," made me think a little harder about the Middleton sister with the twitter-clogging ass.





Some of Pippa's more inspiring accomplishments include:

• Managing to outshine her princess sister at her own wedding without seeming ostentious in doing so




• Laughing off topless photos of herself on the internet, but conscientiously apologizing to her sister for creating such uproar




• Trying to ingratiate herself into Wills' circle upon her sister's entre, but seeming to show no resentment upon Kate's landing of the ultimate prize




• Having a perptual stream of hot boyfriend to whom she never seems terribly attached




• Walking the line between pretty and too-pretty, reaching an almost attainable level of hotness, complete with a kick-ass body that is evidence of her hard work (she runs with boys)

So, while trying to get over the obsession, I tried to imagine what Pippa would do. Pippa is currently dating a hot, classy guy, but Prince Harry (swoon) was reportedly checking her out at the wedding. Now, had this been me, I would have started trying to spend all my free time parading my beautiful bum in Harry's eye-line until he tried to hook up with me - before inevitably returning to his endearingly trashy long-term love, Chelsy Davy, leaving me heartbroken. Pippa, however, seemed to understand that, while sexy (and a prince), Harry is bad news, and her best strategy is to spend more time focusing on her life and her current beau.

What does this mean for me? Focus on my life! Spend more time with my friends and flirting casually with cute boys at bars! Recognize that I am awesome, classy, and frankly, out of the league of most people. Be sexy, self-assured, and go for a run to tone up those legs! Buy a dress that highlights by ass while I'm at it.

So, with Pippa Middleton in mind, I can remember that the boy may or may not come running, but who cares? There are more, many more, where he came from..